Paraclete associates, Brent & Michelle Lapp, invite “someday” to almost magical retreats. God offers their guests time warps that draw important life healings from an imaginary future into a real today. When we spoke a few days ago, I was captured by the profound simplicity of their compelling ministry. Here’s a transcript of our conversation (edited for length and clarity).
How did each of you meet the Lord?
Michelle: I was in college at Point Loma Nazarene University. I’m a good writer, so I must have fabricated a good testimony because I was not yet a believer. But in 1987, I found Jesus at a spiritual emphasis week where Tony Campolo was the speaker.
Brent: I grew up in a Catholic home and attended church. I was an altar boy and read the church readings all the way up into my middle year of college. But I had never known Jesus. Then, God put people in my life who introduced me through their church services, primarily Baptist, to this Jesus character. And it all came together during my junior year of college. I was interested in dating this young woman, but she said, “I don’t date anyone who’s not a Christian.” I asked, “What is that?” So, she shared the gospel with me. I thought, my gosh, how have I lived my whole life in the church and not known that? So, in 1992, I finally came to Christ in her college dorm room. It was as if the veil was torn, the heavens parted, and it was immediately clear to me.
How did you two meet?
Michelle: This is a second marriage for both of us. Brent and I met in Church. But I was a missionary before I met him. My late husband passed away on the field. Brent happened to be in my home church that I’ve been a part of for 36 years including a four-year stint in Africa. He was sitting in front of me, and we met during the greeting time. I didn’t sit behind him on purpose, but…
Brent: When she came back with her kids in 2015, I had recently arrived at San Diego coming from Bahrain because I was career military still on active duty. Upon landing in San Diego, my marriage continued to unravel. Unfortunately, it led to a divorce in 2018. Right after the divorce was final, Michelle and I met each other at church. I knew of her because when she came back from the field, the missionaries would stand in front of the congregation and share what God has been doing. That’s when I first saw her. But it wasn’t until three years later that God connected us. The timing was right. I was looking for time with my kids. She had been a widow for six years with six kids and was looking for help. So not only was there chemistry between us, but it was if all the conditions were complementary and God brought us together. It really was the best thing for both of us. Our kids, on the other hand, may not have been as enthusiastic. I have two boys and with her six, we had eight coming together. Not all we’re living in the house, but when COVID happened, we had five teenagers in the house, plus a couple strays. It’s a mini Jesus miracle that nobody died or was hospitalized while we were in that little pressure cooker. It’s all documented in Michelle’s book.
How did you get into ministry?
Michelle: My call to ministry was really a call to obedience. My late husband was one of the few I’ve met with a very distinct call to missions. He knew that he was to be a missionary ever since I met him in college. But I didn’t understand what that was like because I was a new believer. Over the years growing in faith in our church, I came to an understanding of the Great Commission and developed more of a burden toward that. We started serving on short term trips in Uganda and that’s where I got my call to ministry. It was more like a call to get on board and trust that it was indeed God working in the heart of my husband. So, my call was to go when God says go, to stay when he says stay, and to obey. I’m thankful for my specific call because our time on the field was so much shorter than we anticipated. We went as long term, career missionaries. We learned a language, but he passed away right after we reached level two of our language learning, not even two years in.
I had to leave the village in Lesotho but continued to serve with Africa Inland Mission and taught at the Rift Valley Academy in Kenya. In 2015, after two years there, I went on home assignment and was asked to consider moving back to the US as a mobilizer. I continued in ministry as a mobilizer with the US office with Africa Inland Mission for eight years after that.
While serving at Rift Valley Academy, a burden grew for families, understanding what it’s like to live through profound loss and trauma on the field, and to live with chronic stress. I had a vision that started as having a place for TCKs (Third Culture Kids) to rescue, train, and help them transition to life in the States where they hadn’t ever lived here before. And then in 2021 a couple years after Brent and I married, I had burnout. The call became clear during our Counseling Intensive when the counselor asked me, “If there were no obligations, and no other voices besides God in your life, what is God asking you to do?” And I knew right away it was to speak, teach, and write. And then pursue the vision for retreats that had been simmering all those years. There were many different seasons of calling, and my life didn’t go according to my plan. But I know it was God’s plan.
Brent: I was serving a 23-year career in the Navy. I retired in 2017 and felt like I had lived a full life. I had travelled extensively. I had two great boys. Looking back it sounds shallow, but back then I FELT like I had seen and done so much that the only two things left on my bucket-list were to help others and to do something for the Kingdom. That was it. I didn’t know what they were, but those were the only two things I could figure out to do with the rest of my life. Yeah, I had a few ideas. For a time we supported an AIM-Air pilot couple in Kenya for a few years. I thought in the back of my mind, wouldn’t that be cool someday to be an AIM-Air pilot.
Michelle: And I was serving with AIM at the time.
Brent: When we got married, she was clawing and screaming and kicking to get back to Africa because her goal was cut short by her husband dying. We thought perhaps AIM Air could be an option. But wise counsel with pilots in Kenya told us at our stage in life, that’s not recommended. So, we put that on the shelf. At the counseling intensive, God clearly spoke to me. After Michelle had the epiphany to speak, teach, and write, he challenged me get on board with that vision. My gifts are helps and administration, and in that moment her vision became my vision.
Together God helped us work through several iterations to define our vision. It went from just having a place of refuge for TCKs, to serving pastors, missionaries, and ministry leaders who are weary or in crisis. [The Lord said] you both now have the skills and the tools to help them and their hearts. He combined my military experience with her missionary experience which, to our surprise, complemented each other extremely well.
He directed us to go forward with this ministry of having five-day soul care retreats to care for pastors, missionaries, and ministry leaders who are in crisis, burn-out, transition, or suffering from betrayal, grief, or abuse.
There are many things that fit within our wheelhouse because our combined experiences give us credibility. We can talk with missionaries, ministry leaders, couples, blended families, military families, and so on. And add pastors to the list.
Michelle: Yeah, I was the children’s pastor at our church for nine years before I went to the field.
Brent: We could talk about divorce and blended families, and adoption and discrimination. And abuse and pornography and grief and transition and moving and burnout and loneliness. Our combined experience gave us the opportunity to speak to so many people in a meaningful way. So God said, you’ve got two things on your life list. Here you go
Michelle: It’s a fulfillment of Romans 8:28. After many years, we are walking and breathing testimonies that God does use all things for good. Nothing’s wasted. We’re seeing people benefit from all our experiences.
How did you get started?
Brent: Let me start with just how we got into the retreat business so abruptly. We did our intensive counseling at the Marble Retreat Center in Marble, Colorado. That was a life changing experience for us. Michele’s counselor advised that she write her book and tell everybody your vision. So, we told everyone our vision at every opportunity. Not more than a month later, I was invited to a fire pit with a bunch of guys. As the new guy, I was asked to share my story. When I mentioned the vision, one of the guys across the fire pit said, “I love it. I want to be a part of that. We have two properties that you can use for retreats, one’s in San Diego, and one is on the water in Vancouver, BC. You can use both when we’re not there. No charge.
Michelle: So now we had a location.
Brent: This was in May of last year. The location in San Diego was becoming available in June so we said, “If we’re going to do it, let’s do it.”
Michelle: Yeah, let’s try it out as a pilot retreat.
Brent: So, we did three pilot retreats in June, July and August in San Diego. We invited friends from our network who could give us honest feedback. And each one, as the reviews on our website will indicate, was a home run. But we changed each one. We learned that seven days is too long, three days is too short. One couple is too few, five couples are too many. We honed it down into what our sweet spot was.
In those three pilot retreats, we kept sharing our vision and learning. God kept refining the vision into more granularity. Now we have seven different properties across the nation from four different couples who have said they want to support our ministry.
Michelle: Telling everybody about our budding vision led us to Paraclete Mission Group becoming our umbrella organization. Then an executive coach helped us know how to [formulate and state] our mission, vision and values. Everything started becoming clear. We did a work study at a resort in Alaska. We took more debriefing training, and coaching, training. We were getting equipped. It was mind blowing.
Brent: We were also asked to lead a marriage discipleship program at our church with other facilitators. We didn’t know we needed that, but they asked us to be a part of that program and learn it. [Then we realized] this is what we need to do at every one of our retreats.
Michelle: Our model became clear. Brent calls it hub and spoke. We’re based in San Diego but then we go to other locations to host our retreats. This year we had three locations, which you can see on our website, and we’ll have at least those three next year.
Who’s your target audience?
Michelle: Adults. We don’t have the capacity to serve families. So, it’s couples or singles who are missionaries, ministry leaders, pastors. We also see that we could serve first responders and people from a military background. They may have different journeys, but similar needs.
Brent: But, if a couple showed up and had no affiliation with any of those groups and wanted to come to our retreat, if we determined that we had the tools and skill sets to minister to them, we would still say yes. We’re not going to turn anyone away. But we do have a screening process to make sure that they do fit within what we provide and it would be valuable to them.
I describe our retreats like a tier structure. Tier one would be a cabin or a nice ranch house out in a remote beautiful area where you can go to for a week or two at little or no cost and just be by yourself and have time with God. At the third tier you’d have full counseling intensives with licensed counselors. We’re right in the middle at the second tier. Our retreats are more than just a quiet place to sit and reflect by yourself, but less intense than a counseling intensive. Voila!
We provide, like Michelle said, the hospitality, great home cooked food at every meal, recreation and some prompts. It could be video series, a short devotional bible study, or a couple Spirit led prompts. They allow us to guide our guests into a time of reflection with Christ about what it is that they need to hear from him to get started on a healing journey. We don’t profess to be counselors. We don’t profess to be healers. We consider ourselves like a triage where a guest can start the process. From there they’ll have hope and some guidance on where to go next to continue that healing journey.
What’s the format of a typical retreat?
Michelle: We begin with debriefing to recognize where they are. Later in the week, we into more of a coaching role. But the whole time is within the context of a safe place that’s not connected with their organization, or their church. We’re not against those places, but we’ve learned that we all have one public story that we tell, and another we tell our church. People can’t get to a place of wholeness and wellness without having a safe place to process the junk. And often that’s what people in those lanes need. So, we provide that safe place, lavish hospitality, and recreation. Someone can go to counseling intensives, for example, and have a lot of sessions, but won’t necessarily have recreation. We believe that when you’re processing these heavy things that you need to have rest and play. So, our guests are playing, they’re hiking, they’re sitting in the jacuzzi, they’re swimming, they’re playing pickleball, they’re doing a variety of activities that they love. It’s a unique combination of all those things.
Brent: They begin on a Monday afternoon and end on a Friday afternoon.
Michelle: Each day begins in small group community where we bring in speakers via video series, for example. We prayerfully select an applicable video series that helps our guests to connect with the Lord and hear from him. We are not the talking heads. We give opportunities for them to hear from the Lord in variety of ways. So, it starts with a time in community and discussion that provides lavish time with the Lord. We do customize quiet times for them based on the theme of that retreat. They’re all a little bit different based on the needs of our guests at each retreat. Then, they have some free time. Next, we do lunch and then the afternoons are one on one times with each couple or single. So, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday they have that time in community, free time, and then an afternoon time session with us for debriefing, or coaching, or marriage discipleship.
How often do you do them?
Brent: We’ve planned six this year and we think that’s the right number because Michelle has many opportunities to speak and that takes an equal amount of time. However, each five-day retreat takes three weeks to execute. First is a week of planning, travel to the retreat location, the grocery shopping, and preparing the house to accommodate our guests. Then, we conduct the five-day retreat. After that we are totally wiped out—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. We take a day off, then a day to clean up followed by a day to travel back. When we get home, we schedule nothing so we can recharge and recover. Six months of the year is dedicated to retreats which gives Michelle six months to speak and write. We also do the 14-week Reengage Marriage Discipleship at our church. In addition, I’m coaching and mentoring people in financial planning. And, by the way, we have 8 kids so there’s always something to do.
Brent: Our ministry is called Someday Refuge because people that come to us usually need refuge from the storm. If you ask when someone is going to get help, 99% of them will say, “Someday.” It’s not a priority to them yet, but someday God is going to make it a priority. And then they’re going to come and get the help that they need. That’s why we are Someday Refuge.
Links
- Someday Refuge website: www.somedayrefuge.com
Michelle’s book on Amazon: Worst Case Scenario – Finding Overwhelming Rescue in the Promises of God